Monday, March 8, 2010

sugar high!

I'm currently in the midst of an epic sugar high...because guess what? PUPPY CHOW. for breakfast. Dude. That is dangerous.

I thought I'd post the Oscar notes I took last night to send to my mom...we always used to watch together, and with all the Olympics and lack of TV-ness, I find myself missing that time on the couch working on homework and looking up to make snide comments about dresses and stars.

Confession: I read a lot of People Magazine as a child. My grandmother got a ton of magazines every week (Time, Newsweek, National Geographic, Good Housekeeping, New Mexico) and I read them all. Cover to cover. And while People's somewhat paparazzi-based coverage gets a little old (I always skip over "star-spotting" because I really don't care) --- I love living vicariously through their coverage of gowns and pretty things. Because one day, I'll get to a real ball (how about next February, Ariana?). goes the coverage (with pictures stolen from the usual sites, like E! and People)

Oh my god, someone killed Grimace to make a dress! And it's disgusting.

(when it started to rain on the red carpet)
"What happened it was sunny! I mean, it was sunny! And now the rain just...stopped."
Yes, lady talking about fashion...that happens sometimes. It's called weather.

Dentyne ice's new commercial series is "practice safe breath." Lord. Thank god I don't watch TV all that often, or I'd be experiencing basal levels of advertising-induced nausea all the time.

Nick Cannon just said the word "drawers." Baller.

Lady announcer, you are wearing about six times too much eyeliner.
(she's not even wearing that much in this photo).

ZAC EFRON! start the girl squeals! (Not mine. Zac is not my type).

Amanda Seyfreid, yowch. Your top? It is square. And your tan lines...are not normal.

Zoe from Avatar has a lilac-purple colored tail on her dress. OH NO she's the one wearing the grimace-killing dress! Zoe. Zoe. Seriously. You can't use the words "respect" and "integrity" while wearing that thing.

Oh Nicole Richie. Your voice is much less obnoxious that I expected. And you joked about Ryan Seacrest getting ordained to perform your wedding.

Vera Farmiga from Up in the Air has a dress that is cascading frills...and it's kind of odd-looking. It's a Marquesa? It looks like art, actually. Couture art. I can't imagine what it would be like to sit down in that.

I gotta tell you, it annoys me to no end how many times that different stars are asked for their Oscar opinions. It just seems...really silly to make pointed questions about this...too many hurt feelings!

Oh Ryan Reynolds, you are so cute.

Ryan Seacrest about Sandra Bullock: "She's a chick that's like half a dude."

Tina Fey, your hair looks beautiful. And you make sequins look actually ok. And the movie Date Night also looks great!

Maggie Gyllenhal, oh goodness you're just incredibly poised and gorgeous.

James Cameron is wearing Na'vi blue pocket square. That perfectly coordinates with his wife's dress.

Pet peeve addressed to Elizabeth Banks: if the top of your dress is so tight that your boobs/underarm fat spills over the top...that's gross. Fat and boobs are normal. But squishing them over your dress is really....unnecessary.

Anna Kendrick looked beautiful. Love the draping and the color.

Also, the "nerd oscars" --- I'm pretty sure that you don't need a PhD to understand them, Ms. Banks.

I have seen only two movies nominated for the Oscars this year: Coraline, and Wallace and Gromit's "A Matter of Loaf and Death." That's awful.

Lenny Cravitz just exudes chill (and his date looked wonderful!)

Sandra Bullock---your dress is elegant. Although I could deal with not having all the nonsense about how could she look with the oscar statuette and that it'd be perfect and etc... And thank you for saying that the anticipation for whatever---for all of this---needs to stop.

Diane Kruger, what did you do to the bottom half of your dress?

Apparently the guy commentator's name is Jay. His suit looks ridiculous. "No no seriously!" Why guys think that the tux needs to be messed with I don't know.

Carey Mulligan, not bad. Earrings are a bit...long. And the front of the dress is weird...I kind of like her costumes in "An Education" better.

There is Rachel McAdams, my half-clone. Your dress is perfect for your haircolor and it fits your body wonderfully. A+.

Miley, gross. Stand up straight. Oh wait...your boobs would fall out of your dress if you did. Shucks. Guess that means you better find a dress that fits you properly. Also, stop acting like you have the body of a 30-year old woman. And you're presenting? Aww no. I disapprove. And your mom's dress and tattoo? Ugh. Awful.

Jake Gyllenhal, you are so cute when you talk about how proud you are of your sister Maggie.

Ryan Seacrest, you taped your pocket square into your coat? Really?

Oh - here's the girl---Juliana's the other girl commentating for E. She needs to have some almonds and a sandwich...her face just looks really stretched thin. Eat your lipids, lady!

All of the freezing and unfreezing of things and drawing on of arrows to point out things about dresses. Necessary? No.

Sarah Jessica Parker's Chanel couture looked beautiful. Art. The back is prettier, but even though it is accused of being a sack, I like it.

Kathryn Bigelow's satin dress makes her look preggers. And she's not.

Charlize Theron----BOOBS. Look at them! Pulling attention away from her face...and to her BOOBS. Cinnabuns, aisle 10!

Matt Damon, oh you're wonderful. Articulate and intelligent.

Colin Firth, will you marry me?

Queen Latifah - the color of your dress is perfect!

Meryl Streep, you know how to dress for your age and your elegance. You're not acting like
you're twenty, and you're not acting like a dowager. Win.

JLo, thanks for the introduction to your third hip?

Gabourey, that blue color is incredible. And you called Woody Harrelson "honey." Heck yes. And said "If fashion was porn, this would be the money shot." Oh gosh.

Neil Patrick are wearing sequins. And singing. And dancing.

Obviously, Alec and Steve, you have to be velcro-ed in and surrounded by angels and lowered onto the stage. Obviously.

Poor Meryl Streep. Always made fun of, but beloved.

Amanda Seyfried and Miley Cyrus, oh boy. Why are you here? I could have done a better job as a presenter than you.

Blind Side looks pretty good. And the music for Princess and the Frog looks pretty cute.

District 9 looks creepy. Reaaaaallllly creepy.

Tina Fey, you're funny.

Oh Coen Brothers, your dialogue is ridiculous.

Ah, Kristin Stewart. From those vampire movies. Nice work being one of the worst onstage presenters.

I loved the modern dance interpretations for best score. Very cool.

...and here is where my laptop died. Or when I went to sleep. I can't remember. But are now enlightened about my Oscars thoughts. Or something like that.


Kempt said...

oh man, I think Vera looked like she was holding herself as a fan. Brutal.

Alyssa said...

Haha loved your commentary! I watched about half of the Oscars this year . . fell asleep on the couch . . . oops.